I was in middle school when I realized that writing had a true place in my heart. Bitter about a circumstance, too young to fully grasp the reality and too angry to see past the situation. I remember my mother telling me to write a letter to the person. Tell them everything, how you’re feeling, that your angry, tell them why. But, she said, you won’t ever actually send it, it’s just for you.
I didn’t give it a second thought, I went to my room and I wrote and wrote and wrote. I wrote with reckless abandon, I knew my mother had said I wouldn’t actually send this, but in my heart I believed I would. I imagined the person opening the letter and reading my thoughts, my heart break, my sadness and being a changed person once the closing came. Pages filled quickly with words, charged with emotions that my mind didn’t understand how to process, yet. I went to bed that night feeling like I had left part of those emotions behind, I had found a true outlet.
In the end, when the letter was finalized, I had no desire to do anything more than fold the papers in half and give them home nestled safely between the pages of my diary. Those words weren’t written to change someone else, to reach someone else, they were penned by me and for me. Those feelings that I felt as a child are gone, it’s someone else’s story to tell now. The one thing that remains is my love for words and the role they play in sorting out my feelings and preserving my memories.
But here I sit, in a home I share with my family, with a very different story to tell.
Lately, I have found myself wondering why this blog even exists, what is it’s purpose? Because I spend a good amount of time, with the blinking cursor. Sometimes willing the words to come, digging deeper than I would like and literally putting my heart on display. Sometimes filling the space with other things instead of writing, simply because it’s easier to share a recipe than to share my heart.
I remember when I first started this blog, I had no real goal or plan. It just seemed like a good idea. Why not? I used this space as as in-depth baby book, a way to keep up with time as it was literally passing before my eyes. This blog made feel proud of myself as a mother, because I didn’t always print those pictures. Or scrapbook. Or keep up with her baby book like I should. But this blog, this tiny corner of the internet, housed our memories.
At first it was pictures of Braylen with short captions. Then, letters to my precious girl in her monthly posts. Each day, each post, each word, made me feel a little more comfortable. That comfort eventually led to me using this space much like a journal. Putting it all out there, sharing details of our life, sharing feelings about motherhood and life. The blog quickly evolved, my readership grew and soon I was connecting with women from all over the country.
And a funny thing happened as I realized that as mothers, we are all different from one another. We may share the common bond of a child, but outside of that, there is little we agree on. I began picking myself apart, little by little. Avoiding topics that I thought might draw ugly comments from readers. At some point, I grew weary of defending, of worrying, of keeping up. Of reading blogs and posts blasted across social media intended to tear other mothers down. My heart just wasn’t in it anymore.
Over the holiday, I took time to let this whole blog thing sink in. I thought long and hard as words like purpose and direction danced around my head. I decided that this isn’t a place for worry. And while I can’t change the blogosphere, I can control this little slice of the web. This space has become so much more to me over the years and I’m just getting started. That little girl who found comfort in writing is still very much a part of who I am.
As our life changes and this blog evolves, I’m not sure what it will look like in the coming year. My hope is that I will write a little more and worry a little less. I want to share funny stories about Braylen, so that I never forget. Sometimes a favorite product or a recipe. Maybe even a DIY project or two, as time allows. I want the things I share to be meaningful and relevant to our life.
I am blessed by each of you who read along and follow our journey. Thank you for always encouraging me with your comments, emails and kind words.