A few nights ago, my sweet Braylen Kate fell asleep in our big bed while watching Elf. Her tiny body snuggled up to my arm, I watched the rise and fall of her chest as she fell into a deep sleep. I couldn’t help but think of how safe she was, nestled close to my body, in the confines of our home.
For me, the emotion comes hard and heavy at night. Quick and merciless, overtaking every single fiber of my body before I can shake the feelings of overwhelming worry. This tiny child, lying so peacefully still, won’t always be able to snuggle into my arms and give me this feeling of extreme security.
And when my heart is overwhelmed and tears spring to my eyes. When worry takes over my body and anxiety fills my soul. In the quietness of our house, in the late hours of the evening. It is then that I close my eyes tight in prayer and God gives me the grace to overcome this worry.
In reality, she’s a tiny two-year-old who could eat her weight in Greek yogurt. But when the worry comes she’s 16 and driving. She’s experienced her first heart break. She’s somewhere else, a place where I can’t sneak in and watch her play with her toys or snuggle up to at night.
And sometimes I wonder how my mother didn’t absolutely lose her mind watching her little girl drive away in a car for the first time. I can’t even imagine, but I’ll manage, God will give me that.
And when I think about her first heartbreak, I can’t imagine how hard it will hit me to see her hurting. To not be able to fix the hurt. But I know when the time comes, the words will be just right, God will give me that.
And I look around at the craziness of this world. I think about how few places are actually safe. Not the movie theatre, not the shopping mall, not the classroom. Because evil finds a way to destroy every ounce of innocence. It finds a way to plant a seed of worry that plagues me at night. Or causes a shiver to go down my spine for no reason, except recollection, in the middle of a movie theatre. Evil is at the root of the thoughts that creep into my head, the ones that completely consume me as a mother of an innocent child.
When I think about the evil in this world, I want to will time to stand still. I want Braylen to be nestled safely in my arms. I want to keep her home, I don’t want her out of my sight.
But we wake up another day and we live life, we talk and play, we love and laugh, I cook dinner and she takes a long bath. She sings me songs and asks me questions. We say night time prayers and thank God for another day. When she’s sleeping soundly, I tiptoe away.
And when it’s too overwhelming to sleep. When the worry hurts much too deep. I close my eyes in prayer and God gives me peace and quiets the worry. He gives me grace and peace in the middle of it all, He eases the sting that evil brings, He takes the worry away.
Because evil tries to rob me of the joy that life brings.
But it can’t.
Not at all.
God gives me that.